Category: SATIRE

 

In Praise of Rat Poison

In the past few years the drug companies have discovered new ways of preventing your blood from clotting.

Relax. That’s something you might really want. In my case I need a “blood thinner” (as they are called) to curb my blood’s overenthusiastic zeal to clot for no particular reason, due to a genetic disorder called “Factor V Leiden”. Twenty-five years ago I had a DVT (Deep Venous Thrombosis) followed by a second PE (Pulmonary Embolism) — a clot that breaks loose and gets caught in the peerless filter of one’s lung; unfortunately, whatever part of said lung is downstream of the plug dies. Unpleasantly. My first PE was misdiagnosed as “pleurisy”, but once you have experienced one, there’s no mistaking it. Trust me, you don’t want to, unless you find unprotected swordfighting a bracing pastime.

So, for the past 17 years I’ve been taking a daily dose of Coumadin, a cheap drug based on Warfarin, a.k.a. rat poison. Seriously, it’s cheap because untold tons of the stuff are churned out every year to feed to unwanted rats and mice (and, if you’re careless, other small animals). They die of dehydration and uncontrolled bleeding, if you really want to know. So there’s considerable motivation to monitor how well the Coumadin is working. The only way to do this that I know of (you med-tech jocks out there, see if you can’t make a phone app to do this non-invasively!) is to stick a needle in a vein and take a blood sample to send to the lab to check your INR (International Normalized Ratio — informative, eh?) or PT (Prothrombin Time). In Europe, it is more common to use a finger-prick and measure your INR on the spot from a glass capillary full of the red stuff. Basically, the higher your INR, the longer it takes for your blood to clot — the more “thinned” it is. For me, the best INR is between 2 and 3. The point is, you want to know that it’s working (no more PEs) and also that it’s not working too well (remember the rats). When your INR is too high, you can cut back your daily dose a little; if too low, take a little more. It works.

Enough about me. Back to the Pharmas. They discovered that whereas Warfarin works by preventing the liver from processing vitamin K to make “biologically active forms of the calcium-dependent clotting factors II, VII, IX and X, as well as the regulatory factors protein C, protein S, and protein Z” [I’m copying from the Wikipedia article; I don’t know what they’re talking about either], the way the new alternatives “work in your body is different from the way warfarin works. They affect a different part of the clotting process. This difference often makes these newer drugs convenient to use.” [Now I’m copying from a Healthline article that was the most informative source I could Google easily.] That article lists 7 examples, and how they are administered, but offers no technical details on which parts of the clotting process they affect, or how.

Well, fine, I guess; who wants to know all those technical details (other than me, of course). One can see why Healthline might balk at telling the whole long technical story to impatient readers. But wait…

They (and all the other analogous sites I’ve visited, and all the ads we are now seeing on TV) go on to list Advantages and Disadvantages (over Warfarin), and there is a glaring omission in every case — while “You need fewer tests during treatment” is always listed under Advantages, there is never any mention under Disadvantages of the following rather significant fact, which I believe applies to all these new drugs (though it’s not easy to find out for sure):

There IS NO reliable clinical test to see how well it’s working.

(Well, strictly speaking, there is: wait to see if you have a PE — if you do, it’s not working; and/or cut yourself to see if you ever stop bleeding — if not, it’s working too well.)

This is probably quite convenient for your GP, whose responsibility ends with the prescription. It saves your health care provider about $17/month (the typical cost of INR tests) and it rather dramatically obscures the cause of death in those (doubtless rare) cases where the stuff works too well or not well enough. There aren’t even alternative dose recommendations; one size fits all!

Most of all, of course, it suits the Pharmas, since these drugs are quite expensive — especially compared with good ol’ rat poison. Finally they are able to make a decent [obscene] profit off us Leiden-factor folks! This cost will usually be split between your health care provider and you personally.

Oh yes, there is one other Disadvantage: with (I understand) 1 or 2 exceptions, there is no way to “turn off” the new drugs if it becomes painfully obvious that they are working too well. (This would presumably be signaled by uncontrolled bleeding from various orifices. Hi, Mr. Rat!)

So… nothing new here, really, just Pharmas doing their thing. Except somehow they have managed to enlist government agencies and GPs in their campaign to convince us that

Ignorance is the best strategy!

That is certainly a revolutionary new concept in medicine. Expect to see more of it in the future.

Resid. Errata

Resid. Errata

(with apologies to anyone who wants them)

  • Go arrogantly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what happens to those who keep silent. As far as possible without surrender, be on the right side of all persons in high places…
  • Speak your opinion loudly and rhetorically, as no one is listening to the content; then glance at your watch and leave hurriedly, lest you be obliged to hear the stories of the dull and ignorant…
  • Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are your main competition…
  • When you are forced to compare yourself with others you may become vain and bitter, for always the committees will point out lesser and greater persons than yourself…
  • Enjoy planning your future achievements, and always keep others well informed of same. Do not forget that committees have short memories. Keep enthusiasm for your own research, however humble or pointless; it is a convenient escape from the changing fortunes of time…
  • Exercise caution in your academic affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what you might get away with; for many persons strive for high ideals, and every University is full of suckers.
  • Work on your image. Especially do not show affection for your students. Neither feign delight; for in the face of all hope and enchantment, cynicism is as perennial as the grass…
  • Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the poverty and impotence of youth. Nurture strength of ego to shield you in sudden disgrace. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness, and you probably won’t get caught…
  • Beyond a superficial discipline, be gentle with yourself and tough on others…
  • You are a child of the University, no less than the vegetables and superstars; you have to write to be here. And despite all the evidence of your senses, no doubt the University is unfolding as it should…
  • Therefore be at peace with compromise, whatever you once conceived your purpose to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of academic life keep a piece of the action…
  • With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still the only show in town. Be cheerful. Strive to be on top. Don’t worry. Be happy.

 

 

Thu Sep 5 09:15 PDT 1996

Politics

The borborygmus
of rhetoric in Congress
precedes more hot air.

21 March 2023

The Deepest State

Twenty-four decades ago a cabal of “democrats” conceived a massive conspiracy to undermine the foundations of the American way of life (avarice, exploitation and corruption), replacing them with socialist fantasies about “inalienable rights” and “equality”. For all those years they have been insinuating themselves into bureaucratic positions such as the House of Representatives and the Supreme Court, where they worked tirelessly to consolidate their power. Some even infiltrated the Senate and the Presidency.

Today they are ready to seize total power and impose their radical ideas on even the richest Americans — in fact, especially on them. Their rallying cry is, “We’re coming for you, motherfuckers!” Prepare yourself.